


ReyloGate 2018

by VivienLux



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-17 18:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13665183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivienLux/pseuds/VivienLux
Summary: With the TLJ novelization soon to drop, the author senses Reylo Gate season approaching and decides to write a satire.The magical friendship gang decides Rey is pregnant with the Renperor's love child.Rey doesn't know what sex is. Everyone is kindof an idiot in this story. Mature rating for now, but we'll see if that changes.





	1. RenperorGate

1: RenperorGate

 

“Can you believe it? Kylo Ren finally declared himself the Supreme Leader of the First Order.”

 

“Supreme Leader Kylo Ren? Holy shit… Well, I can’t say I didn’t see it headed this direction eventually.”

 

“What did I tell you? Renperor.”

 

News broke like wildfire in what was left of the Resistance, all of them resigned that they had seen this eventuality a mile away. All of them, that is, except for one lonely girl.

 

“I can’t believe Ben declared himself Renperor.” Rey moaned.

 

“Who now?”

 

Rey glared at Finn. “You know, Ben Solo? Son of Han Solo? Calls himself Kylo Ren now.”

 

“And he should stick with that. That asshole certainly doesn’t deserve to call himself Solo anymore,” Finn said, rubbing his back.

 

“You don’t know him,” Rey murmured, still frowning.

 

He frowned back. “Oh and you do?”

 

Rey’s mouth tightened and she swallowed.

 

Rose raised her eyebrows. “I feel like ‘know him’ can also be taken in the Biblical sense.”

 

Rey scowled. “Well, I did think he was going to be the Jedi Eve to my Jedi Adam and impart some Force knowledge. I ended up getting shirtless Satan instead.”

 

“Wait… what’s going on?” Finn asked.

 

“It’s-- it’s hard to explain.”

 

“Just rip the bandaid off already, Rey.”

 

“Well… when I went to get Master Skywalker, he was… kindof a giant pissbaby.”

 

“I’ve heard that about Skywalker men,” said Rose.

 

“It’s true, all of it. Anyway, Luke wasn’t really as helpful as I thought he would be and, well, Ben was a really good listener.”

 

Finn began to shake his head. “I do not like where this is headed…”

 

“And we ended up having an, um, intimate moment in my quarters.”

 

Finn and Rose’s jaws dropped, Finn’s face transforming into an expression of abject terror while Rose beamed in pure delight.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!”

 

“THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!!”

 

StormFlower gave each other a stunned look.

 

“He was a  _ really good listener _ , guys!” 

 

Rose glared at her boyfriend. “Why are you scolding her? This is so beautiful! The Supreme Leader of the Galaxy is in love with the girl from the wrong side of the tracks - it’s a classic love story!”

 

“Beautiful?! That batshit fucker nearly killed me - hell, he nearly decimated us on Crait! What the fuck is wrong with both of y’all?

 

“I think it’s wonderful, Rey,” Rose assured her.

 

“Woah woah woah, we’ve got a more emergent matter to discuss now.” Finn turned seriously to Rey. “You said you were ‘intimate’ in your quarters?”

 

Rey blushed. “It was the most intimate experience I’ve ever shared with someone. I offered him myself, he looked deeply into my eyes and moved in--”

 

“OKAY, OKAY. I don’t need to hear all that.” Finn visibly gagged. “Did you use a prophylactic?”

 

“Oh… yeah, that is an issue.” Rose looked sympathetically at Rey.

 

Rey looked confused. Growing up on Jakku, she’d never had anyone to explain the space birds and space bees to her. “A what?”

 

“You know, a sheath. Protection. A love glove.”

 

Rey frowned. “Oh. Well, he was wearing a glove at first…”

 

Rose’s eyes became wide as saucers. “Did you make him wear it the whole time, start to finish?”

 

Rey brushed Rose’s question away with her hand. “Nah, he ripped that sucker off the second I reached for him.”

 

Finn shook his head in disgust.

 

“And what do you mean finish?” Rey raised a brow.

 

“I mean, did you two complete the act of love?” Rose asked.

 

“Well, I’d have liked it to have lasted longer, but his nosy uncle burst in and told us to stop. When I looked back toward Ben, he’d pulled out of the connection.”

 

Rose and Finn sighed in relief.

 

“Okay, so he definitely didn’t cum.”

 

Rey got a dreamy look on her face. “Well, I ended up coming for him.”

 

Finn groaned and covered his ears. “LALALALALALA!”

 

Rey’s dreamy look transformed back to sadness. “And when I got there we ended up playing tug of war with the sword again and there was a HUGE explosion - it happened so fast and stuff was flying  _ everywhere! _ Ben passed out and I had to sort of bolt on him to get to the Resistance in time. It was kind of hard because after all that action in the Throne Room I was really sore and my legs were all wobbly.”

 

Rose looked from Finn, who was trying to keep from gagging, to Rey. “Okay, we need to do some calculating here. How long has it been since you last bled?”

 

Rey glanced upward, calculating in her head. “I guess it’s been about three weeks now.”

 

Finn and Rose gave each other wide eyes.

 

“Does Poe know he’s gonna be a stepdad?”

 

Rey made a face. “What?!”

 

“A stepdad. Father to another man’s offspring. Now, you can probably hit the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy up for some pretty decent child support, but I still think it’s important for Poe to know he’s gonna be obligated to soccer games and birthday parties after he marries you.”

 

“Hold on a second!” Rey interjected. “Why would I marry or even get involved with Poe? I just met him - that’s insane!”

 

“I dunno, why would you--” Finn formed his fingers into air quotes. “‘Be intimate’ with Kylo Ren, the guy who put your best friend -- and I would like to think possible boyfriend at one point -- in a coma with a spinal injury? It’s just a crazy galaxy, I guess. You and Poe smiled at each other for two seconds - excuse me for thinking it was true love. But beyond this, you gotta think about more than just you now. Rey, do you really want your baby to be a bastard?”

 

“My what?!”

 

“Your baby. The one that’s growing inside of you right now.”

 

Rey’s eyes became saucers. “Do you mean I’m--”

 

Rose took Rey’s hand, nearly swooning with joy for her new friend. “Pregnant with the Renperor’s love child? Yes.”

 

“Wait!” Finn interrupted. “This could be how we win! He’s the Skywalker of the trilogy. If she’s pregnant with his love child…”

 

Just then, Threepio burst into the room like the Kool-Aid man. “The odds of a Skywalker’s survival after successfully passing on their genetic material are thirteen thousand four hundred seventy six to one!”

 

All eyes were on Rey, who burst into ugly sobs.


	2. Kellogg and CookieGates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dumbest fucking gates we've had so far...

2: Kellogg and CookieGates

 

Kylo Ren sat dejectedly staring at his empty black glove, his left eye twitching. Where once he had felt warmth and passion, now there was nothing. Not the dice that were an over the top representation of his connection to family and the chance at being a pair with Rey. Not the moisture he had wiped suggestively from his mouth and let run off in droplets. Nothing. Just the black leather that was the emptiness of his cold, dead heart.

 

Mitaka tepidly entered the Throne Room. Hoping to avoid another Deep Thoughts With Kylo Ren conversation about the stars and what they symbolized, he launched right into what he had come to say. “Your Supreme Leaderness, a report from a galactic news station in an Outer Rim territory just came in. You might want to have a look.”

 

Ren scanned the article.  _ According to sources _ , it read,  _ Rey of Jakku had this to say of the new Supreme Leader: “Do I think the relationship between myself and Kellogg Ren will turn into romance? I don’t think so. I can see why people think so, but look what happened. He’s really a personal scum.” _

 

The Renperor let the holopad slip from his gloved hand and crash to the floor, dropping heavily into his throne. He was not just scum, but  _ personal _ scum. She didn’t even remember his chosen name was Kylo. It really was over.

 

He dismissed Mitaka, who scurried from the room, and put his head into his hands.

 

After several brooding minutes, it was as though all the sound had been sucked from the room. He looked up from his hands to see--

 

“Rey?”

 

“Oh Ben!” She practically fell into his lap and squeezed him close.

 

Considering what he’d just read, he was wary of holding her back. Even so, he couldn’t help but notice she had filled out in all the right places since last they’d seen each other. Her hips and breasts, even her face was a bit fuller. “Rey, you look--” 

 

“I’m eating for two now,” she nearly sobbed.

 

He let his dark eyes rove over her appreciatively. “It’s working well - you look beautiful.”

 

She glanced up. “Really?”

 

“Yes, I--” He swallowed and his left eye twitched. His voice dropped an octave. “I wish I could put my hands all over your curves.”

 

“No - don’t touch me! It might become twins and then I’ll die too!”

 

“What?”

 

“Oh shit -- it’s Poe! I have to go!”

 

“Rey, wait! I have to know-- did you say this?” He shoved the article toward her.

 

She skimmed it quickly. “Personal scum? What the hell does that mean? Of course I didn’t, it’s probably a bad translation or complete crap. Shit, here he is! Bye!”

 

And with that, she was once again gone.

 

***

 

Poe sidled up to Rey, a box in hand. “I heard you had some unexpected news.”

 

Rey’s eyes widened. “Finn and Rose  _ told _ you?”

 

“Yeah Finn did. My understanding is he and Rose are not on speaking terms now, but anyway about your little secret… it’s okay. I understand. Everyone gets totally drunk and forgets who they did the deed with the night before at some point. That’s what happened, right?”

 

Rey stared at him blank faced for several long moments. “Yes. That is what happened.”

 

“So as I was saying, since you don’t know who the father is anyway, we can just say it’s mine. You can’t get pregnant twice at once so it’s not like I’d have to use a rubber. That works for me - I don’t use them anyway.”

 

“I... don’t want to touch you that way…”

 

“Hey, listen! That’s fine too. I’m about 95% gay, so I’d be pretending you were a man when we did it anyway. But now that General Organa is on a permanent vacation in a galaxy far, far away and I’m the new General I thought you’d be interested in forming a power couple--”

 

The sound of screeching tires filled the air and Supreme Leader Kylo Ren came striding into view.

 

“Excuse me! Excuse me one moment. Hi, sorry. Sorry to interrupt.”

 

Poe glared at him. He hated anyone stealing his limelight.

 

Ben faced the audience. “Okay, pausing for a moment so we can do some real talk. I don’t fucking know what they’re gonna do about my mom. Structurally, this trilogy was obviously set up so that Leia was going to get closure and you’d get the final bit of my childhood back story in Episode IX. Look, I’ll be the first person to say no one can replace my fucking mom. But if they don’t do something to handle some of these loose ends and give the audience closure, the trilogy is going to feel really fucking lopsided. I mean, imagine this. Imagine sitting down and deciding ‘let’s have a Sequel Trilogy movie night’ and so you sit down with your family and friends, and Force Awakens is all like ‘Han Solo is dead - Ben’s a shit but for some reason his parents still really fucking love him!’. And then Last Jedi is like ‘Luke Skywalker is one with the Force - Ben’s still a shit but Luke did try to kill him and here’s a big fucking hint that things weren’t right with Ben before the whole nephewcide thing happened!’. Then you get to Black Diamond and it’s like ‘Yeah, Leia just fucking disappeared and we’re never fucking mentioning Ben’s childhood again, but yeah, here ya go, have a Reylo Redemption arc anyway.’ Who the fuck would buy that? No one, because there’s a vital chunk missing. Look, I know there will be people who bitch and moan if a new actress is hired, but like, people always bitch and moan about new Star Wars movies, especially Star Wars fans. Nobody hates Star Wars like Star Wars fans - that shit is canon. So, anyway… if you’re listening, JJ Abrams and/or the rest of the story group, just consider it. Sorry to slow the plot down. Thank you. Carry on.”

 

Poe gave him a nasty look all the way off screen. “Maker, isn’t he dead yet? So as I was saying, I’d be happy to put a ring on it and raise your love child as my own.”

 

Rey cocked her head to the side, her mouth hanging half open in simultaneous awe and revolt.

 

“Oh also, I heard pregnant chicks like to eat a lot so I brought you these cookies. The lemon ones are strong and caring but the chocolate half came out bitter and broken.”

 

Rey hesitantly took the box, her brow raised in clear disapproval. “Thanks?”

 

“Yeah… sorry about the dark cookies. I’m not sure what they’re doing with the light ones in the first place. The good news is, they’ll probably just break down on their own and then one of us can just dump them in the garbage where they belong, right?”

 

Tears welled up in Rey’s eyes and she bolted back to her bunk, leaving Poe bewildered.

 

“Was it something I said?”


End file.
